For Those Who Grieve

If you are grieving a loved one, this link is a video of the Harvest Crusade that happened last night (9/26/2010).  Pastor Greg Laurie, Jeremy Camp and Steven Curtis Chapman all give a message of hope to those who grieve, from those who grieve.

An Evening Of Hope from Pastor Greg Laurie

Faithful in His Afflictions

I was reading in Psalm 119 this morning and my eyes were drawn to verse 75:

"I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me."

I then thought about Michael.  Yes, loosing him was an affliction. My mind turned to two very distinct days of mourning. The day we found out - Oct 13 and the day we let him go - Jan 24. How hard those days were... how afflicted I felt. I will never, ever forget the weeping in the van on that fall day in October and then waking up in the middle of a sleepless night in tears. I will never, ever forget the weeping on the floor of the hospital room as the funeral director carried our little boy away and then us leaving the hospital with empty arms.

Yet God allowed this affliction due to his faithfulness to us. That is hard to read. I trust it, but I don't like it.

I much rather focus on the following verse 119:76: "Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant."

It is true. Just as He is faithful in our affliction, He is faithful in His comfort. 

Yet there is a purpose in pain. There is a purpose in affliction. In verse 67 we read,

"Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word."

And in verse 71:

"It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes."

I believe that every experience, word, event, relationship and every thing we encounter in life, God will use it to draw us closer to Him. It may not be a good thing. It may be something resulting from evil or sin. I am not saying that God may be the originator of this thing or experience. But He is a Redeemer who redeems circumstances for our good. And the outcome of our good is that we are made whole, or holy, or complete - living a life in which we were designed to live. 

The good and the bad drives us to the Redeemer above it all, and to what He has revealed about Himself in His word to mankind. 

I still don't like knowing that I have buried a child. In fact, quite honestly I hate it and it helps to know that God hates death. I still feel the hole left by Michael. In fact I think there would be something wrong with me if I didn't feel the pain of it. But I can't imagine grieving without the knowledge of the fact that death has been conquered and there is an eternity beyond.  That God afflicted me in faithfulness for a purpose for which I don't fully understand. That He is faithful in all things, including being the Great Comforter of my soul. 

He Prepares us for the Trials - Reflecting at six months

Tomorrow Michael would be six months old.

I am a firm believer in the sovereignty of God. Not because it simply helps me to cope, but because it is an absolute truth found in scripture (Job 11:17, 28:24, Jer 32:17, Eph 4:6). He knows all things, past, present and future. He allows all things, good and bad. There is nothing that escapes His attention. And as the Psalmist says in Psalm 139, He knows everything about me, my life, my heart and my needs, mentally, physically and spiritually, because He created me. He is a good Father and like a good father, He prepares me to be able to handle the hardships that life here on earth can bring.

At the very beginning, within days of finding out about Michael's diagnosis, Summer and I set out to create a list of ways in which God had prepared us for this particular trial. Up until now, I have not had the strength to sit down and post these up here, but I believe that a person's faith is strengthened through the testimonies of others and perhaps, like in my own life, the trial of one person is preparation for the trial of another.  While the list is ongoing, here are the ways in which we have sensed God preparing us for loosing Michael:

1. We were in a better season of marriage and communication than we were a year earlier
2. Prior to finding out about Michael, Summer had begun a new friendship with a woman who understood and knew grief.
3. We had both begun reading a book about grief and loss a few months prior to knowing about Michael (the title of the book is "A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Though Loss" by Jerry Sittser)
4. Rick’s work schedule was light the week we found out
5. God rose up the right people to ensure ministry stability at church while Rick was unable to fulfill obligations
6. Our senior pastor and his wife understood grief and loss through their own personal loss of a child.
7. Summer's sister was physically closer to her parents so that both parties were not alone in their grieving. 
8. We felt like we had finally developed some strong foundational local friendships, accountability and mentors after living in our community for 3 years.
9. Little things, like our 2 year old, Will,  had just learned to crawl in and out of bed by himself so that Summer didn't have to lift him while diagnosed with the placenta previa.
10. God raised up the perinatal hospice ministry within the last decade and brought it to our attention through a newspaper article.
11. Summer sensed something wrong in the month prior to the diagnosis, which led us to pray in specific ways.
12. Almost as if preparing us, God led us a few months prior to the diagnosis to follow Angie Smith's blog (wife of singer Todd Smith of Selah) who also went through the same thing we did. 
13. The incredible nursing staff at Good Shepherd Hospital and how God had prepared them for infant loss.
14. Summer's mom, a hospital chaplain for many years dealing with child-infant loss, was prepared ahead of time to give counsel and wisdom to us in our grieving process. 
15. The many people in our lives in the past who have suffered infant loss - we have always sensed a strong bond with them in their process of grieving (sometimes communicated, sometimes not), and now we know why. 

If you are in the midst of a trial right now, I encourage you to take the time, garner the strength that it takes, and list out those ways in which God has prepared you. And then as you are going through the trial, or after you have gone through the trial, review the list and see and know how God is watching after you this very moment and always. 

Tulips

A couple of weeks ago I sat on the front steps for a while and I was admiring the beauty of the morning.  I looked at our tulips and saw how they were still closed but knew they would open sometime soon with the rising sun. I got sad as I thought I would probably only get to enjoy these favorite flowers of mine for another week or so before they die.

I came in to spend some more time with the Lord. I prayed that he would reveal Himself to me in a way that would bring me hope. It has been so hard to open that book of truth, but I know it is where my healing will both start and end. A friend shared some verses from 1 Peter with me and I felt convicted to memorize 1 Peter 1:3-10. It was hard just to read these few verses, so today I decided to read the whole chapter. This was at the very end of chapter one:

For you have been born again, but not to a life that
will quickly end. Your new life will last forever because it comes
from the eternal, living word of God.

As the Scriptures say,
  "People are like grass;
     their beauty is like a flower in the field.
  The grass withers and the flower fades.
   But the word of the Lord remains forever."
1 Peter 1:23

Praise God that our trials are just a short time. He is good.

83 days

For those of you who have "loss" in your lives, you know that it is called "loss" for a reason.  There is something missing. You will never get it back. The world acknowledges that you have "loss"... at least for a few days. But a bent toward the normal way of life and an uncomfortableness with one's "loss" finds the world wishing for you to "forget" about the "loss", or at the very least for you to accept that you have "loss" and move on.

There is a "moving on" that Summer and I have done. I mean - it would be a prison to not "move on" - a life lived on desperately trying to find the "loss". If you lose your car keys, or an expensive piece of jewelry, you know the frustration that can be had from searching for this precious thing. It can cause stress, anxiety and affect others around you. If you continue that hectic, anxious searching for your whole life - it will kill you. You eventually have to give up because you can't live life always looking for something.

Should we continue living life always looking at the six chairs around our table, knowing that someone is missing?  For sure, we "move on", but not to a point in which we lose touch with what God has done in our lives through the "loss", or the grace He has shown us around the "loss". Surely, eternity is there winking at us, bidding us closer. And, surely, we move closer each day. And as much as God has revealed we know with certainty what is on the other side and that His special grace in the event of taking Michael home and the grace He used to triumph over death will unite us in glory.

Do I cry for my "loss" even though I know these eternal things? Do I experience the emotion of anger at the One who allowed my loss, yet is the Great Architect of an eternity that comforts? Do I wish that my "loss" was in my one arm as I punch type with my other hand at this very moment in time? Do I wish God could have taught me all that He did without taking Michael?

83 days later it hurts like hell... and then I realize that is exactly how it should be - hurting like hell. For what have we to hope for if we already have it? And this present darkness, or as a friend of mine puts it - these dark waters - is the closest a Christ follower will come to a hell. And if you who are reading this choose not to follow Christ, this is the closest you will ever get to Heaven - where there is no death or... "loss".  No "loss"  is where my hope is found, for in Jesus there is no "loss".

"When you were dead in your sins, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the law that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." (Colossians 2:13-15)

Mommy’s Letter to Michael

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

Heaven stands

I never leave your hands.

 

January 29, 2010

My sweet boy Michael,

Mommy is sitting here in peace and quiet of our church with coffee in hand and tissue box near. I have been writing letters to your brothers and sister since they were born and you are no different. Here is my letter to you.

January 22, 2010 was the most peaceful spirit filled happy day of my life. God chose your daddy and me to be your earthly parents to take care of you as long as He willed. The time we spent with you those 252 days was many too short. In my joy, my heart aches to see you more now.

You and your brothers and sister have taught me so much about utter dependence on our good God. You specifically Michael, have forever changed my world and love for the God that gave you life. He has truly humbled me. I'll never know why He chose me to be your mommy. I clearly don't deserve the gift that you are to me for I am such a sinner. But God's grace has allowed me to be that role for you. I give Him thanks for every moment we had with you. How could I not want more time with my precious gift from God? You are simply amazing.

Do you know how many lives have been forever changed because of you? You didn't even get one breath here on earth, but so many hearts have turned towards God because of you!

Mommy likes to talk and you have shown and are continuing to show me that is entirely God through us who does the changing. You are a vessel for Him. That does not change because you are physically not with us now. Your story lives on.

I have so many memories with you. When daddy and I found out that God gave us another baby, I couldn't stop laughing! It was the beginning of June and mommy was preparing for your brothers' birthdays parties. Daddy just sat on our steps as I told him. He just couldn't believe it! He kept taking deep breaths that said, "How can we have four children?" Mommy still in shock with laughter said, "God must really love us to give us another one of His children". Thank goodness He's on our side to help. Deep down, mommy too was scared of four kids in six years. The next day mommy stared feeling sick. Yes, I was pregnant! Five and a half weeks I always started feeling sick. And why do they call it morning sickness? I am sick all day long with you! They also say that sickness is a good sign of hormone levels being high.

I was convinced you were a girl. My pregnancy was so similar to how it was when I was pregnant with Ellie. I threw up a few times, but the nausea alone was the killer. Caden and Will made me throw up 10-15 times a day. I almost think getting sick was easier. At least I could relieve myself some! So you were created and growing. The beginning of my fourth little miracle had begun. Little did I know the power of your life.

The next few months up until October 13^th were really difficult. I struggled with trusting God (knowing He is sovereign) for your life. I couldn't get past how selfish I was for not wanting you. I cry just seeing those words written, but God knew my heart anyways. And my, how He TOTALLY changed me.

Something in me, now I know it was the Holy Spirit, told me something was not right with how my pregnancy with you was progressing. God was slowly preparing me for the news we'd hear on October 13^th. Though all my blood work was good, nausea was high enough to knock me off a chair and your heart beating in the upper 150's, I was unsettled with how you were forming.

October 13^th gave me insight as to where those feeling were coming from. My heart in an instant loved you Michael more than I thought I ever could. I kept apologizing to you and how selfish I was for not trusting God for how He would work things out for His good and for His purposes. I uttered out a word of praise for you as we left the doctors office for how I knew how He would change the world through you. Your life would have a story like no other of my children. That day I surrendered to God and chose a journey of your life knowing there was no other choice to be made. I never in all of your days regretted that choice. I'd make that choice 1,000 more times Michael just to have held you. You are amazing. How I love you.

The next few months we made plans of your life. God laid out every detail. You went running with me, you went biking with the family. You went on hikes with daddy in the mountains in North Carolina. You had Portillio's chocolate cake and Campus Polleyeys chicken and cheese bread sticks. You baked cookies with your sister and played Legos with Caden. You loved to be read Good Night Moon with your brother Will. I think you heard it about 700 times! I gave you bubble baths and sang 'You are My Sunshine'. You sat with us while we had Skittles for scripture time with the family and got to hear weekly praise and worship time. You went to church even though every Sunday was difficult for mommy. But I always brought you home thanking God for the strong loving church family we have. They love you so much Michael.

Grammy Koko came to the doctor with us and heard your heart beat on December 23^rd. She loved meeting you for the first time. She cried.

You were showered with gifts as we were introduced to the Perinatal Hospice. They loved you in a way that most couldn't. But not more than mommy! I never could have made you any blankets as beautiful as the one that is lying on my lap right now. I will keep it and remember the love they gave you.

Wrestle time with your brothers, sister, and daddy was always fun. You really loved cuddle time in mommy's and daddy's bed in the morning as Caden, Ellie, and Will all piled in on top of you. Actually that is how the morning of your birthday started.

You got to sit with daddy as he cheered our Ohio State Buckeyes on during football season. An exciting season as usual. Lots of cheers and lots of tears .You also heard lots of tears of sadness shed for you but tears also pleading for complete restoration of your body. God did honor that prayer. You are totally restored Michael! In God's perfect glory. I am so blessed to have all of these memories and many more.

As we checked into the room where you blessed us with your physical presence, grammy koko noticed that we were wheeled into Room 316.

'For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not die but have eternal life.'

Michael, you are my gift from 316. Obviously don't know what it was like for God to sacrifice His only son for me personally let alone the entire world. But I feel God allowed a small part of me to humanly experience giving one of His greatest gifts back over to Him. You now have eternal life. Nothing ever will ever change that fact. You are in a place I can only dream of.

I had a dream the night you were born. You and some other children were running, playing, laughing. The place was beautiful. I know it was warm and bright. You were at peace with a joy that was unique to me. How I long to be there too and experience this joy I have not yet lived.

My prayer now is for all those that have heard and will hear your story, will know what salvation truly means. And be blessed to share in the most holy place with us. Heaven. The best place.

Daddy being the techy he is, set up something on our computer to track who was reading your blog daddy created called 'The Grace Effect". The weekend you were born there were over 2,000 hits in just three days from almost every state, Russia, Kenya, South Africa, South Korea, Australia, Canada, England, Ukraine and more. You have made a greater impact for the Lord then I could have ever imagined.

Tomorrow as we say goodbye, I will choose to rest in the knowledge that God is my strength and hope for what is to come. Jesus is coming back. And one day all who have trusted their lives for the Lord will too be resurrected and every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. You will be there that day Michael. And mommy will be there with you. God gave me the role to be your mommy the last 252 days and now my role continues to be mommy though not to you, but to Caden, Ellie, and Will. He continues to will me to be a Godly wife to your wonderful daddy and a servant to Him by serving others. I pray God was honored in every choice we were allowed to make for you. And that by Him I will be able to continue to bring glory to our heavenly King by all of my actions and words or even my absence of words, just as you have done Michael. Not one word, but you have changed the world.

Until then, I will miss your big ears, gorgeous dark hair, long toes, little baby soft skin, rolls on your chest and tummy, double chin, your kicks that that pleased me up until the time your were born, your newborn smell. Such an amazing vessel for God that came and left in a 3 pound 15.5 ounce body. Most of all, I will miss holding you in my arms. I rest knowing you are being held in the most mighty arms of all. Jesus. I too am being held right now by those same arms here on earth.

It is such an honor to be your mommy Michael Jesse. May God continue to use you to change lives for Christ. I will never know how greatly you have impacted the world. I am blessed just to see a small portion.

I sit here at the foot of the cross reflecting on what Jesus did for you and I. He is a good God who gave it all. I am honored to give you back to Him. He is your Daddy and has done more for you than I ever could have.

I love you forever Michael Jesse. Just a few more days.

Love, mommy

 

 

Daddy's Letter to Michael

1/30/2010

My Little Michael,

Little is an understatement for the impact you have made on your mommy and I. You have taught us more about each other, more about prayer, more about hope, more about heaven, more about the church, more about God's sovereignty and more about the preciousness of life in the last 250+ days than we have learned our whole lives before that. Your little, but "BIG", life has drawn us closer to God and has grown your mommy and me stronger in our love for each other. Did you know that?

Do you know how God used you? You have given us opportunities to draw closer to your brothers and sister. Do you know that, while we did not think our love could grow any bigger for them, it has? Oh how they loved you.

Caden was so curious about you when you were born. He took you all in with his great big eyes and loved your little feet. He wanted you to have one of his lego space ship creations – his favorite toy to play with.

We saw a new side of Ellie that day at the hospital when she greeted you. She took you in her arms, cradled you and stroked your little head. She is the best big sister anyone could ask for. She brought you a special little duck at the hospital, just for you.

And Will, who was with us when we saw you for the first time on the ultrasound machine. He was so tender toward you and a big help to mommy and daddy by giving us smiles when we felt sad. He is giving you a blanket – a tough thing to give away for a guy who likes his blankets.

Oh Michael - Do you know how God has used you? Your story has touched hundreds. People from all over the world, even strangers to us, have drawn closer to God because of you. I have been reminded again and again of how God loves to use the weakest on earth to make the biggest impact. This is certainly true of you, Michael. For while you could not talk, God's voice was heard through you. And while you could not touch, God's hands were wrapped around many. And while you could not hear and see of the fruit of your testimony, you certainly can see and hear now.

Your story, now interweaved into the fabric of our lives, will never be separated from whom God has molded us to be. God did wonders through you, Michael, while we wondered at Him. We admit we were angry sometimes, not understanding His purpose. We selfishly want to keep you here, even though we know it is so much better up there.

The name we chose for you means "Who is like God?" Your name causes us to pause and to remember that His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. God's thoughts and ways are infinitely better and, like a good Father, He always has our best in mind. But it hurts, Michael. It hurts that we can not hold you and rock you and supply all that you need. But you don't know what hurt is, do you? For the One who is so sufficient in His grace supplies all your needs, and you will never cry or have sorrow or pain, and I am so thankful to God. And while I wait here for His calling on my life to finish the race, you will never be forgotten, Michael Jesse. And one day we will rejoice together for the work of Christ in all of our lives and in the presence of His glory and majesty.

Love,

Daddy