Boy Was I Wrong

The day after we found out, I was loading the dishwasher and came across a couple of sippy cups. As I unscrewed off the lids, tears streamed down my face in the realization that Will was soon to be done with them and graduate to a "big boy cup" and our family would be done with sippy's. As I came upstairs later that day, I stopped myself from entering Ellie's room where the baby crib had been vacant waiting for baby number four's arrival. How permanently vacant it was now. I couldn't stand to see it so I asked Rick to take it down.

You see, mourning this baby's death has been two fold for me. I wasn't all that excited to say the least about welcoming a fourth child into our home. I had always wanted four children, but four kids in six years was pretty overwhelming to me. I remember crying in fear in a few of my prayer times with friends wondering how on earth I was going to do it. I actually said the words, "I don't want this baby". One of my friends who is a fourth child to whose parents also went through these same fears jokinglly said, "boy, were they wrong" in not wanting me!.

I knew God would carry us through having a fourth, but it was still impossible for me to wrap my mind around a newborn thrown into our full lives of full time ministry.

Oh what I would do to watch this child grow! Boy was I wrong. Here is where I need to fully put my hope in God. This baby is His. He has decided to entrust this little one to Rick and our family for a short time for HIS glory. It still is so painful.

- Summer