Tuesday, January 5, 2010

December 30th, 2000

(Written on December 30th, 2009)
As we prepared for our big wedding day nine years ago, I am now reflecting back of how naieve I was! How scewed my perspective was on what marriage really was. All I wanted was someone to come home to, someone to share my life with, someone to share children with. Well, now its December 30, 2009 and marriage is that but oh so much more.

Today, I started spotting some and experiencing some cramping. I also had noticed that the baby's movement had decreased signifficantly. As we made our way to see the doctor, I gave into the temptation to play out what would be next. In my mind, I was preparing for delivery of a baby that had already passed. My faithFUL husband kept telling me there was no need to play the unknown out, that we had no concrete answers.

When the doctor looked for the heartbeat on the doplor, he could not find it. Again, I started playing out how once again things have changed not at all in my favor. Throughout the last three months it had not occurred to me that this baby (just as much as any other pregnancy) could die before delivery. How prideful of me to think otherwise. After all, who was in control of the duration of this child's life from the begining of time? Oh yes........ God. NOT SUMMER.

As the doctor ordered an ultrasound, my steadfast husband and my trembling self sat in the waiting area waiting to be called. More waiting. This room was small. As I looked up in between tears of fear and diasppointment, I saw three pictures hanging on the wall of butterflies. "Aren't butterflies a sign of life?", I said to Rick. Rick was silent. I wanted to rip them off the wall in my anger.

The tech squirted the cold gel on my tummy as she explained what she was going to do. Her voice was calm, but had concern in it. I started praying for her. How horrible was this part of her job? I couldn't imagine.

I asked not to see the monitor. However, Rick intently looked over me. I said, "honey, you don't have to look". To all of our surprises, the tech confidently said, "I have a heart tone". I think I exhaled for the first time in 20 minutes. This child still had life.

Dr. Pines (my doctor was not in) was also shocked. He evaluated my bleeling once more and attributed it to my body preparing for delivery. I had started to dialte 1-2 cm. and he did not think the blood was from the placenta, but the doctor was also unsure if the placenta had fully moved. Apparently the placenta was right at 2cm away from the cervix. It needs to be at 2.0 for a natural delivery. The ultrasound tech laughed when she detected this measurement as it is not common for someone to be RIGHT at a 2.0 measurement. Maybe a 1.9 or 2.1! Again, when will I start to trust God in all of his good ways to EXPECT him to show up in all of His perfection?

Oh yeah. One last thing, the baby is now breeched. In a healthy pregnancy they would probably deliver by c-section. In all of our emotion this day, I forgot to ask what they would do to deliver if the baby was in this position. I am assuming they wouldn't do a c-section because it would be less harmful to me to deliver naturally. So prayer warriors, pray this would change. My prayer is that the baby would be delivered alive.

So happy anniversary to me. What a memory. Rick later told me that he was praying, "Not today Lord." Neither of us could bear to share our blessed wedding day with the death of our child. However, deep within me, I knew God was in control. But oh, how badly I wanted some of that power. Fact is, I have none.

Our anniversary ended with going out to dinner and shopping for a burial outfit for our precious baby. Emotionally exhausting and a draining day to say the least.
I praise God for my husband. God has brought us through countless trials over the last 9 years. This, our hardest. And yet, God is faithful. The last part of our vows we wrote to each other were, "I love you Rick (Summer)and I trust God for us always." Nine years ago, I thought I knew what that meant. I think I am starting to get its true meaning. This is what faith is. Faith is living as though God's Word is true even when I do not feel that it is true.

I know my faith will shake at times, but I pray that this trial Rick and I are facing will help me not waiver so much in the future of what God has in store for us.

I pray everyone a Happy New Year. It is a new year and I pray you will see God in a new light no matter where you are at with your faith.


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