Friday, January 21, 2011

Grief Has No Measure

In all things, God is in control.

On Friday, January 22nd, 2010 we woke up preparing for what was to come at 5pm on Sunday, January 24th – the scheduled time for inducement of our son whom we knew was going to die. God showed us His control when on the day that marked week 36 of the pregnancy (Friday, not Sunday), He called Michael Jesse home.

God showed us His control when He arranged for our delivery doctor to be the same doctor who had encouraged us to abort this baby at week 20.

God showed us His control when He planted within our hearts a peace that surpasses all understanding and for us to be able to now say that the most peaceful day of our lives was January 22nd, 2010.

God showed us His control as He continues to place people in our lives to minister to in similar situations and to give testimony of His goodness that can be seen through faith and trust in the midst of trials.

In all things, God is in control. And even while I say that January 22nd was the most peaceful day in my life, I can also say that it was the saddest day in my life. Where temporal meets eternal is an incredible view into the face of God and the grace He gave to Summer and I that night and those who were present is a grace that we do not take cheaply. There are costs involved and while we did not choose to suffer these costs, we accept them with hearts open to seeing what He will do and has done for His glory and for our good.

There is still grief. Our arms and hearts still ache. We cannot know when the aching will stop. Perhaps not until we hold Michael again in heaven. Grief has changed over this year and it has changed us, yet there is no way to measure this change. We live a new normal. When asked how we are going to do this weekend with the anniversary, we do not know how to answer. Is this just another day? Or is it something else? How are we supposed to feel? What are we supposed to do? We do not know. All we know is that God will supply all that we need to be completely satisfied in Him. We need nothing else. All will fall into place as we trust his control and His hand on everything. And this control is wrought out of love for us, and that itself cannot be measured except by the cross which bore all for all, and the hand that holds Michael's hand now.

1 comment:

  1. I've been thinking about you guys and praying for you this week. The 12th was the one year anniversary of my mom's home going. We had a wonderful ceremony - just my dad, brother and our family. We lit a candle, shared pictures and memories of Mom, prayed, cried, laughed, and ate brownie sundaes for dessert. It was very special. Have you read Mudhouse Sabbath? There is a chapter in the book that specifically speaks about the Jewish traditions for grieving, and how our modern Christian culture wipes grief under the carpet and expects us to move on, where as in Jewish culture it is a year long process (obviously it continues past that) that ends on the one year anniversary of the loved one's death. That's where my dad got the idea for the special evening we shared.

    Have you heard Josh Wilson's song "Before the Morning?" I love it. It speaks to my heart in my loss.

    Love you guys