Thursday, December 3, 2009


Rick was gone this weekend with Ellie and Caden. I stayed in Cary with Will --not feeling up to travel. When Rick came back with the kids, I was expecting us to feel whole again with the five of us reunited. Surprisingly, I felt incomplete. I miss our baby and he/she isn't even here yet. I know Christ is what completes us but the human part of me still pains over not having this baby living with us day in and day out.

I sit at our dinner table and feel as if someone is missing. We have six chairs to our set and one chair is empty in more then one sense. I come to get Caden at the bus stop and as we walk behind our neighbor kids (one boy and three girls--brother and sisters), I secretly am so jealous of them and their petty little arguments and pushes as they get off the bus. At night when Rick gets home, it is a normal tradition that daddy has wrestle time in the basement. I want my four kids to wrestle with daddy. I want my four kids to fight! I want my four kids to eat dinner together.

But the truth is, for now, my three kids will do all of these things and our fourth child will provide a different kind of relationship to their brothers and sister. What exactly? I don't know. Something I do not have control over. But God in His power.....does.

"Be exalted, O LORD, in your strength; we will sing and praise your might."

~Psalm 21:13


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