Monday, February 22, 2010

Mommy’s Letter to Michael

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

Heaven stands

I never leave your hands.


January 29, 2010

My sweet boy Michael,

Mommy is sitting here in peace and quiet of our church with coffee in hand and tissue box near. I have been writing letters to your brothers and sister since they were born and you are no different. Here is my letter to you.

January 22, 2010 was the most peaceful spirit filled happy day of my life. God chose your daddy and me to be your earthly parents to take care of you as long as He willed. The time we spent with you those 252 days was many too short. In my joy, my heart aches to see you more now.

You and your brothers and sister have taught me so much about utter dependence on our good God. You specifically Michael, have forever changed my world and love for the God that gave you life. He has truly humbled me. I'll never know why He chose me to be your mommy. I clearly don't deserve the gift that you are to me for I am such a sinner. But God's grace has allowed me to be that role for you. I give Him thanks for every moment we had with you. How could I not want more time with my precious gift from God? You are simply amazing.

Do you know how many lives have been forever changed because of you? You didn't even get one breath here on earth, but so many hearts have turned towards God because of you!

Mommy likes to talk and you have shown and are continuing to show me that is entirely God through us who does the changing. You are a vessel for Him. That does not change because you are physically not with us now. Your story lives on.

I have so many memories with you. When daddy and I found out that God gave us another baby, I couldn't stop laughing! It was the beginning of June and mommy was preparing for your brothers' birthdays parties. Daddy just sat on our steps as I told him. He just couldn't believe it! He kept taking deep breaths that said, "How can we have four children?" Mommy still in shock with laughter said, "God must really love us to give us another one of His children". Thank goodness He's on our side to help. Deep down, mommy too was scared of four kids in six years. The next day mommy stared feeling sick. Yes, I was pregnant! Five and a half weeks I always started feeling sick. And why do they call it morning sickness? I am sick all day long with you! They also say that sickness is a good sign of hormone levels being high.

I was convinced you were a girl. My pregnancy was so similar to how it was when I was pregnant with Ellie. I threw up a few times, but the nausea alone was the killer. Caden and Will made me throw up 10-15 times a day. I almost think getting sick was easier. At least I could relieve myself some! So you were created and growing. The beginning of my fourth little miracle had begun. Little did I know the power of your life.

The next few months up until October 13th were really difficult. I struggled with trusting God (knowing He is sovereign) for your life. I couldn't get past how selfish I was for not wanting you. I cry just seeing those words written, but God knew my heart anyways. And my, how He TOTALLY changed me.

Something in me, now I know it was the Holy Spirit, told me something was not right with how my pregnancy with you was progressing. God was slowly preparing me for the news we'd hear on October 13th. Though all my blood work was good, nausea was high enough to knock me off a chair and your heart beating in the upper 150's, I was unsettled with how you were forming.

October 13th gave me insight as to where those feeling were coming from. My heart in an instant loved you Michael more than I thought I ever could. I kept apologizing to you and how selfish I was for not trusting God for how He would work things out for His good and for His purposes. I uttered out a word of praise for you as we left the doctors office for how I knew how He would change the world through you. Your life would have a story like no other of my children. That day I surrendered to God and chose a journey of your life knowing there was no other choice to be made. I never in all of your days regretted that choice. I'd make that choice 1,000 more times Michael just to have held you. You are amazing. How I love you.

The next few months we made plans of your life. God laid out every detail. You went running with me, you went biking with the family. You went on hikes with daddy in the mountains in North Carolina. You had Portillio's chocolate cake and Campus Polleyeys chicken and cheese bread sticks. You baked cookies with your sister and played Legos with Caden. You loved to be read Good Night Moon with your brother Will. I think you heard it about 700 times! I gave you bubble baths and sang 'You are My Sunshine'. You sat with us while we had Skittles for scripture time with the family and got to hear weekly praise and worship time. You went to church even though every Sunday was difficult for mommy. But I always brought you home thanking God for the strong loving church family we have. They love you so much Michael.

Grammy Koko came to the doctor with us and heard your heart beat on December 23rd. She loved meeting you for the first time. She cried.

You were showered with gifts as we were introduced to the Perinatal Hospice. They loved you in a way that most couldn't. But not more than mommy! I never could have made you any blankets as beautiful as the one that is lying on my lap right now. I will keep it and remember the love they gave you.

Wrestle time with your brothers, sister, and daddy was always fun. You really loved cuddle time in mommy's and daddy's bed in the morning as Caden, Ellie, and Will all piled in on top of you. Actually that is how the morning of your birthday started.

You got to sit with daddy as he cheered our Ohio State Buckeyes on during football season. An exciting season as usual. Lots of cheers and lots of tears .You also heard lots of tears of sadness shed for you but tears also pleading for complete restoration of your body. God did honor that prayer. You are totally restored Michael! In God's perfect glory. I am so blessed to have all of these memories and many more.

As we checked into the room where you blessed us with your physical presence, grammy koko noticed that we were wheeled into Room 316.

'For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not die but have eternal life.'

Michael, you are my gift from 316. Obviously don't know what it was like for God to sacrifice His only son for me personally let alone the entire world. But I feel God allowed a small part of me to humanly experience giving one of His greatest gifts back over to Him. You now have eternal life. Nothing ever will ever change that fact. You are in a place I can only dream of.

I had a dream the night you were born. You and some other children were running, playing, laughing. The place was beautiful. I know it was warm and bright. You were at peace with a joy that was unique to me. How I long to be there too and experience this joy I have not yet lived.

My prayer now is for all those that have heard and will hear your story, will know what salvation truly means. And be blessed to share in the most holy place with us. Heaven. The best place.

Daddy being the techy he is, set up something on our computer to track who was reading your blog daddy created called 'The Grace Effect". The weekend you were born there were over 2,000 hits in just three days from almost every state, Russia, Kenya, South Africa, South Korea, Australia, Canada, England, Ukraine and more. You have made a greater impact for the Lord then I could have ever imagined.

Tomorrow as we say goodbye, I will choose to rest in the knowledge that God is my strength and hope for what is to come. Jesus is coming back. And one day all who have trusted their lives for the Lord will too be resurrected and every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. You will be there that day Michael. And mommy will be there with you. God gave me the role to be your mommy the last 252 days and now my role continues to be mommy though not to you, but to Caden, Ellie, and Will. He continues to will me to be a Godly wife to your wonderful daddy and a servant to Him by serving others. I pray God was honored in every choice we were allowed to make for you. And that by Him I will be able to continue to bring glory to our heavenly King by all of my actions and words or even my absence of words, just as you have done Michael. Not one word, but you have changed the world.

Until then, I will miss your big ears, gorgeous dark hair, long toes, little baby soft skin, rolls on your chest and tummy, double chin, your kicks that that pleased me up until the time your were born, your newborn smell. Such an amazing vessel for God that came and left in a 3 pound 15.5 ounce body. Most of all, I will miss holding you in my arms. I rest knowing you are being held in the most mighty arms of all. Jesus. I too am being held right now by those same arms here on earth.

It is such an honor to be your mommy Michael Jesse. May God continue to use you to change lives for Christ. I will never know how greatly you have impacted the world. I am blessed just to see a small portion.

I sit here at the foot of the cross reflecting on what Jesus did for you and I. He is a good God who gave it all. I am honored to give you back to Him. He is your Daddy and has done more for you than I ever could have.

I love you forever Michael Jesse. Just a few more days.

Love, mommy




  1. Thank you so much for writing this blog -- it has been a blessing to me. I think about and pray for your family often. I'm reading "The Voice That Calls You Home" by Andrea Raynor. In the introduction she speaks about how we hear God's voice, and says that He speaks through the people we encounter, through those who face devastating hardships without losing hope, through those who suffer heartache and yet somehow still know joy. Those words made me think of you. Take care. Sue Green

  2. Beautiful! Your faith is inspiring!! Keep the faith, on the dark days I pray God continue carrying you and give you joy. May the body of Christ love and support you and your family! Thank you! Thank you for choosing to share Michael Jesse with us, the rest of the world. May you be blessed because of your faith!!
    Kandice Woodard

  3. I'm a good friend of your awesome sister. She has kept me filled in on this entire experience, and I came across this. First of all I am so sorry you had to go through such a thing. Secondly, WOW...I sobbed for hours after your sister told me you were in labor, and off and on un the d,ays that followed, as I knew there was so much sadness. I prayed and I prayed, thanking the Lord for you and your indescribable strength and asking Him to help your family through this...and wow! We serve a Lord that is so good, taking something that is so horrible and using it to allow others to know they must depend on Him. I love what you have done to recognize our need for our dear Savior, and your strength, perseverance, faith, and love for Christ is such a blessing. Thank you, thank you, thank you and mat God bless your family.